Fertility Treatment

There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. Doctor: What was the problem? Elderly man: Well, you I tried with my right hand...nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand...nothing. Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth....still nothing. Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?! Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup. 


Doctor

This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionallism goes right out the window... He tells her to take off her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs. "Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor? "Yes, checking for abnormalities. " she replies. He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer. "Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?" She replies, "Yes, getting herpies - thats why I am here!" 


Nursing Home

There's a couple that have their father living with them. The wife has had enough of him and tell's her husband that his father must go. So the man approaches his father and tell's him he's puting him in a home. The father protests saying a home is not for him and will not leave.The son seeing his fathers unwillingness offers him a trial period. During the old mans first week at the home he's layed up in bed one night when a young nurse walks past , suddenly he gets a stonking hardon, seeing this, the nurse turn around and thinks to herself "Fuck me i can't let a stonker like that go to waste" and with that she jumps on. The next day the old man phones his son to tell him all about it and how great the home is. During the second week the old man is walking out in the grounds when suddenly he trips and falls over a stone landing on his knees, Moments later a doctor walks past and thinks to himself "Fuck me can't let an arse like that go to waste " so with that he starts shagging him up the arse. The next day the old man phones his son to tell him all about it " son ,son get me the fuck out of here i fell over yesterday and got shagged up the arse" The son says "Come on dad it was fine last week you've got to take the good with the bad" And the father says "Yeah but i only get a hardon once a month! I fall over EVERY FUCKING DAY!!!" 


Sex Therapy

A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several years. On this visit he decided to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On doing this she let out a sigh. The man ran out and told the doctor who said that was a good sign and suggested he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction. The husband went in and rubbed her right breast. This produced a moan from his wife. He rushed out and told the doctor. The doctor said this was amazing and a real breakthrough. The doctor then suggested the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he would wait outside as it is a personal act and he didn't want the man to be embarrassed. The man goes in, then came out about five minutes later, white as a sheet. He told the doctor his wife is dead. The doctor asked what happen to which the man replied, "She choked."


College Letters

A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red "H" on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue "Y" on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red "M" on her chest. "Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor. "No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin. Why do you ask?" 


Autopsy

An autopsy professor was giving an introductory lecture to a class of students. Standing over a corpse, he addressed the class. "There are two things you need to make a career in medical forensics. First, you must have no fear." Having said that, he shoved his finger up the corpse's anus and licked it. "Now you must do the same," he told the class. After a couple of minutes of uneasy silence, the class did as instructed. "Second," the professor continued, "you must have an acute sense of observation. For instance, how many of you noticed that I put my middle finger up this man's anus, but licked my index finger?" 


Irish Twins

Irish woman gives birh to twin's, one boy, one girl. As it was a bit of a difficult birth she immediately fall's asleep, completley knackered.
When she come round some 12hrs later she ask's the nurse "Where's my babies?","Oh",say's the nurse,"Your brother took them down the register office to name them."
"WHAT!!",cries the woman,"Who the hell left them with him, he's as thick as fuck, what's he named them?"
"Well", say's the nurse,"He's named the girl Denise."
"Hmm, that's not bad", say's the woman, "what's he called the boy then?"
"Denephew", replies the nurse. 


Skin Graft

A married couple were in a terrible accident in which the woman's face was severely burned. 
The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too thin. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. 
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honour their secret. 
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! 
One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, ''Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you.''
"My darling,'' he replied, ''Think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.'' 


Doctor and the Bee

One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming, "Oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!". The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation. The doctor thought for a moment and said, "Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit". The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out of his wife's vagina. The doctor said "OK, what I'm gonna do is rub some honey over the top of my penis and insert it into your wife's vagina. When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my dick I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my penis out of your wife's vagina." The husband nodded and gave his approval. The young lady said "Yes,yes, whatever, just get on with it."
So the doctor, after covering the tip of his penis with honey,inserted it into the young lady's vagina. After a few gentle
strokes,the doctor said, "I don't think the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should go a bit deeper" So the doctor went deeper and deeper. After a while the doctor began shafting the young lady very hard indeed. The young lady began to quiver with excitement, she began to moan and groan aloud, "Oh doctor, doctor!" she shouted. The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself. He then put his hands on the young lady's breasts and started making loud noises. The husband, at this point, suddenly became very annoyed and shouted. "Now wait a minute, what the hell do you think you're doing?!" heblasted. The doctor, still concentrating, replied: "Change of plan, I'm gonna drown the bastard!!" 


Mental Patient

John and David were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day, while they were walking, they passed the hospital swimming pool and John suddenly dove into the deep end. He sank to the bottom and stayed there. David promptly jumped in and saved him, swimming to the bottom of the pool and pulling John out. The medical director came to know of David's heroic act. He immediately ordered that David be discharged from the hospital as he now considered him to be OK. The doctor said, "David, we have good news and bad news for you! The good news is that we are going to discharge you because you have regained your sanity. Since you were able to jump in and save another patient, you must be mentally stable. The bad news is that the patient that you saved hung himself in the bathroom and died after all." David replied, "Doctor, John didn't hang himself. I hung him there to dry."


Bouncing Baby Boy

A women gave birth to a baby boy last week.
Woman: Can I see my baby.
Doctor: Hmmmm, I dont think so.
Woman: Please, I want to see my baby.
Doctor: I dont really want to.
Woman: Please, Im begging you, bring me my baby.
Doctor: Okay, but I dont want to.
2 minutes later, he walks in, holding her baby by the leg. Then proceeds to smash the baby against all the walls. Smashing it through a glass window. Then stamps on its head.
The woman screams: You bastard, you bastard, you have killed my baby.
The Doctor turns around smiles and points at her: Ha ha, April fools, it was already dead!


Complete Coverage

Two men are in a doctor's office. Each of them are to get a vasectomy...the nurse comes into the room & tells both men "Strip & put on these gowns before going in to see the doctor to have your procedures done."
A few minutes later she returns & reaches into one man's gown & proceeds to fondle & ultimately begins to masturbate him. Shocked as he was, he asks "Why are you doing that?" To which she replies, "We have to vacate the sperm from your system to have a clean procedure." 
The man not wanting to be a problem & enjoying it, allows her to complete her task.
After she is through, she proceeds to the next man.. She starts to fondle
the man as she had the previous man, but then drops to her knees & proceeds to give him oral sex. The first man seeing this quickly responds, "Hey! Why is it that I get masturbated & he gets a blow job?"
The nurse simply replies, "Sir, this is a difference between the NHS & private medical insurance."


Headache

A guy has been suffering from severe headaches for years with no relief. After trying all the usual cures he's referred to a headache specialist by his family doctor. The doctor asks him what his symptoms are and he replies. "I get these blinding headaches; kind of like a knife across my scalp and...." He is interrupted by the doctor, "And a heavy throbbing right behind the left ear". "Yes! Exactly! How did you know?" "Well I am the world's greatest headache specialist, you know. But I myself suffered from that same type of headache for many years. It is caused by a tension in the scalp muscles. This is how I cured it: 
Every day I would give my wife oral sex. When she came she would squeeze her legs together with all her strength and the pressure would relieve the tension in my head. Try that every day for two weeks and come back and let me know how it goes". 
Two weeks go by and the man is back, "Well, how do you feel?" "Doc, I'm a new man! I feel great! I haven't
had a headache since I started this treatment! I can't thank you enough. And, by the way, you have a lovely home."


New Career

A gynecologist had a burning desire to change careers and become a mechanic. 
So she found out from her local tech college what was involved, signed up for evening classes and attended diligently, learning all she could. When time for the practical exam approached, she prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, she was surprised to find that she had obtained a mark of 150%. Fearing an error, she called the instructor, saying "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there had been an error which needed adjusting." The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark. I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it THROUGH the exhaust..."


Penis Problem

A guy goes to see the doctor, because he's a little too well-endowed. In fact, it's 25 inches long and he can't get any women to have sex with him.
Anyway, the doctor says there's nothing he can do medically, but recommends a witch doctor that he thinks might be able to help.
The witch doctor takes a look at the problem and tells him to go to a particular pond, deep in the forest, and talk to a frog that lives there. "Ask the frog to marry you and each time the frog says no, you'll be 5 inches shorter."
Worth a try, he thinks, and off he dashes into the forest. He finds the pond and sees the frog on the other side, sitting on a log. "Frog, will you marry me?"
The frog looks at him, disinterested at best, and calls back, "No."
The guy looks down and sure enough, he's 5 inches shorter. Hey, this is great he thinks -- let's try that again. "Will you marry me?"
The frog rolls his eyes, and shouts back again, "No!"
Zappo! -- the guy's down to 15 inches. Well, that's still a bit excessive, he thinks. Down another 5 would be perfect. So he calls across again, "Frog, will you marry me?"
The irritated frog yells back, "Look..how many times do I have to tell you? No, No, NO!"


Smart Irishman

An Irishman named Murphy went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked Murphy in the eye and said, "I've some bad news for you... you have cancer and it can't be cured. I'd give you two weeks to a month." Murphy, shocked and saddened by the news, but of solid character, managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room. There he saw his son who had been waiting.
Murphy said, "Son, we Irish celebrate when things are good and celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer and I've been given a short time to live. Let's head for the pub and have a few pints." 
After three or four pints the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of Murphy's old friends who asked what the two were celebrating. 
Murphy told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad... he went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends, "I've only got a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS." The friends gave Murphy their condolences and they had a couple more beers.
After his friends left, Murphy's son leaned over and whispered, "Dad, I thought you said that you were dying from cancer. You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS!" Murphy said,"I am dying from cancer, son, I just don't want any of them sleeping with your mother after I'm gone."


Stern Sibling

An old county doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It was so far out that there was no electricity.
When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her five-year-old child. The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see while he helped the woman deliver the baby. The child did so, the mother pushed, and after a little while, the doctor lifted the new born baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath. 
"Hit him again," the child said. "He shouldn't have crawled up there in the first place!"


24 hours

A man returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, the man asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, and they make love. About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, "Honey,you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?" Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife shoulder, and asks, "Honey, please...just one more time before die. "She says, "Of course, Dear," and they make love for the third time. After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep.The man, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses. "Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could..." 
At this point the wife sits up and says,"Listen, I have to get up in the morning. You don't!"

Blue

"I think I have a problem, Doc," says a patient. "One of my balls has turned blue."
The doctor examines the man briefly and concludes that the patient will die if he doesn't have his testicle removed.
"Are you crazy?!" bursts the patient. "How could I let you do such a thing to me!"
"You want to die?" asks the doctor rhetorically, at which point the patient has to agree to have his testicle removed.
Two weeks after the operation, the patient comes back. "Doc, I don't know how to say this, but the other ball has turned blue, too."
Again, the doctor tells him that if he wants to live, his other testicle must be cut off, too. Again, the man is very reluctant to the idea.
"Hey, you want to die?" asks the doctor, and the patient has to agree with the operation. After two weeks of being testicle-less, the
patient returns to the doctor and says, "I think something is very wrong with me. My penis is now completely blue."
After briefly examining the patient, the doctor gives him the bad news: If he wants to live, his penis has to go. Of course, the patient
does not want to hear about it.
"You want to die?" asks the doctor.
"But...how do I pee?"
"We'll install a plastic pipe, and there will be no problem." So the patient has his penis removed, and, a while after the operation,
the unfortunate man enters the doctor's office again. He is very angry.
"Doctor, the plastic pipe turned blue!"
"What?"
"Can you tell me what the hell is happening??"
The doctor examines the patient more carefully and says, "Hmmm, I don't know. Could it be the jeans?"


Suppository

A man with a bad stomach complaint goes to his doctor and asks him what he can do. The doctor replies that the illness is quite
serious but can be cured by inserting a suppository up his anal passage. The man agrees, and so the doctor warns him of the
pain, tells him to bend over and shoves the thing way up his behind. The doctor then hands him a second dose and tells him to do
the same thing in six hours.
So, the man goes home and later that evening tries to get the second suppository inserted, but he finds that he cannot reach
himself properly to obtain the required depth. He calls his wife
over and tells her what to do. The wife nods, puts one hand on his shoulder to steady him and with the other shoves the medicine
home.
Suddenly the man screams, "DAMN!"
"What's the matter?" asks the wife. "Did I hurt you?"
"No," replies the man, "but I just realized that when the doctor did that, he had BOTH hands on my shoulders!"


Viagra

A 65 year old man goes to his doctor and says. " Doc, I have a problem. My girlfriend is sleeping over this Friday, My ex-wife is
sleeping over this Saturday and my wife is coming home Sunday. I need 3 Viagra pills to satisfy them all"
The doctor says " You know 3 Viagra pills 3 nights in a row is pretty dangerous for a man of your age". "I will give them to you on
the condition that you return to my office on Monday so that I can check you out." The man says "You have a deal Doc."
Monday morning the man returns with his arm in a sling.
The doctor says "what happened"?
The man answered "nobody showed up!"


Mix Up

A guy receives a phone call from his local surgery telling him there has been a terrible mix up with his wife's medical tests. "We
mixed up the test results and we don't know if she's got the one with herpes or a heart condition ," apologises the doctor.
"Oh my god what can I do ?" asks the guy.
"Well ," suggests the doctor , "send her out jogging and if she comes back don't fuck her!"


Vasectomy

A man goes into hospital for a vasectomy.
When he wakes up he's surrounded by several anxious looking doctors and asks nervously "Is there a problem?"
The head surgeon says gently, with tears in his eyes "I'm afraid so...I'm sorry but your notes got mixed up and we've given you a
sex change rather than a vasectomy"
The patient is devastated and shockingly replies "Do you mean to say I'll never experience another erection"
The surgeon pauses for a moment then says
"Well, you might, but it won't be yours"


Coroner

A Coroner was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or
cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery: Schwartz
had the longest private part he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," said the mortician, "But I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this.
It has to be saved for posterity." And with that the coroner used his tools to
remove the dead man's penis. The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home.
The first person he showed was his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened his briefcase.
"Oh my!" she screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"


When I Get Out...

A person reviewing people in an insane asylum walks around and is pleased with what he sees. He starts to review patients to see
what they will do when they get out.
He walks up to the first guy and sees him throwing a football around. He automatically knows that he wants to be a football player.
He walks up to another guy and sees him throwing a baseball around. He could automatically tell that he wanted to be a baseball
player.
He walks to the next cell and sees a man with his dick in a bowl of peanuts. He flips out and asks what he is doing. The man
replies "I'm fucking nuts, I'm never getting out of here!"


I've Got A Rash

This fella goes to the doctor and says" Doctor, I've got a rash round my cock, have you got anything for it?"
The doctor said" put this on and come back next week if it doesn't work."
The bloke comes back the next week and the cream hadn't worked so he tells the doctor and the doctor gives him more cream
and tells him to come back next week if it doesn't work.
The bloke comes back and the cream still hasn't worked so the doctor says "Drop your pants."
The man drops his pants and the doctor has a look and tells him to put another cream on the man then says "Doctor it's worked!!
What was that?"
The doctor replies "Lipstick remover"


The Fast Surgeon

Sam and John were out cutting wood when John cut his arm off.
Sam remained calm, wrapped the arm in a plastic bag, and took the arm and John to a surgeon.
"You are in luck," said the surgeon. "I am an expert in re-attaching limbs. Come back in four hours when I have completed the
operation."
So Sam returned in four hours and the surgeon said, "I did it faster than I expected. Jon is down at the pub."
Sam rushed down to the pub and was amazed to see John playing darts.
A few weeks later, Sam and John were cutting wood again when John accidentally cut off his leg.
Sam put the leg in a plastic bag and took it and John back to the same surgeon.
"Legs are harder," said the surgeon, "but I'll see what I can do - come back in six hours."
Sam returned in six hours and the surgeon said, "I finished early - John's playing football."
Sam went to the field and to his surprise found John kicking
50 meter torpedoes.
A few weeks later, Sam and John were cutting wood again, when John accidentally cut off his own head.
Sam put the head in a plastic bag and took it and the rest of John to the surgeon, confident that the skilful surgeon would do the
job.
"Gee, heads are really difficult to re-attach," the surgeon muttered, "but I'll see what I can do - come back in 12 hours."
Sam returned in 12 hours.
"How did it go, Doc?" he asked.
"I'm sorry. John died," the surgeon replied. "He suffocated in the plastic bag, you idiot!!"


Charlies Wife

In a mental institution a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting like he's driving a car. The nurse asks him, "Charlie,
what are you doing?"
Charlie replied, "Driving to Chicago!" The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.
The next day the nurse enters Charlies room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and asks, "Well Charlie, how are you
doing?"
Charlies says, "I just got into Chicago."
"Great," replied the nurse. The nurse leaves Charlie's room and goes across the hall into Bob's room, and finds Bob sitting on his
bed furiously masturbating. Shocked, she asks, "Bob, what are you doing?"
Bob says, "I'm screwing Charlie's wife while he's in Chicago!"


Gynaecologist

A middle-aged woman seemed timid and embarrassed as she visited her gynaecologist on an emergency call. "Come now,"
coaxed the doctor, "you've been seeing me for years! There's nothing you can't tell me."
"But this is kind of strange..." said the woman.
"Let me be the judge of that," the doctor replied.
"Well," said the woman, "Yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and I heard a plink plink in the toilet. When I looked down,
the water was full of pennies."
"Mmmm, I see," said the doctor.
"And that afternoon I went again and there were nickels in the bowl!"
"Uh-huh." the doctor said as he got more and more interested in her story.
"That night," she went on, "there were dimes and this morning there were quarters! You've got to tell me what's wrong with me!"
she implored. "I'm scared out of my wits!"
The gynaecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder. "There, there. It's nothing to be frightened about..." He said...."You're
simply going through the change


A Serious Medical Condition

Queen Elizabeth II was visiting one of New York's finest hospitals and during her tour of the wards she passed a room where one
of the male patients was masturbating.
"Oh God," said the Queen, "that's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this?"
The doctor leading the tour explains, "I am sorry your Royal Highness, but this man has a very serious condition where his testicles
fill up rapidly with semen. If he doesn't do what he is doing at least 5 times per day, he could swell up and he might die"
"Oh, I am sorry," said the Queen, "I was unaware that such a medical condition existed."
On the same floor they soon passed another room where a young, blonde nurse was performing oral sex on another patient.
"Oh my God," said the Queen, "What's happening here?"
The doctor replied, "Same problem, better health plan."


Nursing home cop

An old lady in a nursing home is wheeling up and down the halls in her wheelchair making sounds like she's driving a car. As she's
going down the hall, an old man jumps out of a room and says, "Excuse me ma'am but you were speeding. Can I see your driver's
license?"
She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a candy wrapper, and hands it to him. He looks it over, gives her a warning and
sends her on her way.
Up and down the halls she goes again. Again, the same old man jumps out of a room and says, "Excuse me ma'am but I saw you
cross over the center line back there. Can I see your registration please?"
She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a store receipt and hands it to him. He looks it over, gives her another warning and
sends her on her way.
She zooms off again up and down the halls weaving all over. As she comes to the old man's room again, he jumps out. He's stark
naked and has an erection! The old lady in the wheel chair looks up and says, "Oh, no, not the Breathalyzer again!"


3 Old Men

Three old men were talking about the best thing that could happen to them at that time of life.
The 80 year old said : "The best thing that could happen to me is to be able to have a good pee. I just stand there and it dribbles
and hurts, and I have to go over and over again."
The 85 year old said: "The best thing could happen to me is if I could have a good bowel movement. I take every kind of laxative I
can get my hands on and it is still a problem."
The 90 year old man said: "That's not my problem, every morning at 6:00 am sharp I have a good long pee and at 6:30 sharp I
have a great bowel movement. The best thing that could happen to me is if I could wake up before 7:00."


Elephant

A man is involved in an accident at work where he gets too close to a flywheel and it rips off his penis. He is rushed to hospital
where doctors re-attach a new penis with tissue from an elephants trunk. Not being well endowed before he now finds that his new
penis is a good 15 inches. He gets discharged and the doctor told him to some back in 6 months to see how things where going.
6 months later he returns the doctor says "How are you finding it" the man replies "Its good news and bad news. the good news is
that I have been asked out on dates nearly every day. But the bad news is that when I am having Lunch with them it grabs a roll off
the table and shoves it up my arse."


Psychiatrist

A guy had been feeling down for so long that he finally decided to seek the aid of a psychiatrist.
He went there, lay on the couch, spilled his guts then waited for the profound wisdom of the psychiatrist to make him feel better.
The psychiatrist asked me a few questions, took some notes then sat thinking in silence for a few minutes with a puzzled look on
his face.
Suddenly, he looked up with an statement of delight and said, "Um, I think
your problem is low self-esteem. It is very common among losers like you."


D'oh

Joe was a successful lawyer, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his career and
love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across an old
country doctor who solved the problem.
"The good news is I can cure your headaches ... the bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which
causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to
relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but
decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part
of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a
new life.
He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need -- a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a
new suit."
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see ... size 44 long."
Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!" was the reply.
Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe
thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."
The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see ... 34 sleeve and 16 and a half neck."
Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!" he replied again.
Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Joe
was on a roll and said, "Sure."
The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see ... 9-1/2 E."
Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!"
Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some
new underwear?"
Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see ... size 36."
Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your
spine and give you one hell of a headache."


Good news, bad news

A man walks into a doctor's office and the doctor says to him, " I've got some good news and some bad news."
"Tell me the good news first," the patient says.
"The good news is that your penis is going to be two inches longer and an inch wider," the doctor replies.
"That's great!" says the patient." What's the bad news?"
The doctor says, "It's malignant."


Examination

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in. The doctor arrived, examined the
baby, checked his weight and asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed.
"Breast fed" she replied. "Well, strip to your waist," the doctor ordered. She did. He pressed, kneaded and pinched both breasts
for a while in a detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed he said, "No wonder this baby is hungry. You don't have any
milk."
"I know, she said, "I'm his grandma, but I'm very glad I came!"