Nuns

Nuns are admitted to Heaven through a special gate and are expected to make one last confession before they become angels. Several nuns are lined up at this gate waiting to be absolved of their last sins before they are made holy. "And so," says St. Peter, "have you ever had any contact with a penis?" "Well," says the first Nun in line, "I did once just touch the tip of one with the tip of my finger." "OK" says St. Peter, "Dip your finger in the holy water and pass on into heaven."
The next Nun admits that "Well, yes, I did once get carried away and I, you know, sort of massaged one a bit." "OK" says St. Peter, "Rinse your hand in the holy water and pass on into heaven." Suddenly there is some jostling in the line and one of the nuns is trying to cut in front. "Well now, what's going on here?" says St. Peter. "Well, your excellency," says the Nun who is trying to improve her position in line, "If I'm going to have to gargle that stuff, I want to do it before Sister Mary Thomas sticks her arse in it!" 


Parrots

A lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, l have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." 
"What do they say?" the priest inquired. 
"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?" 
"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but l have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and l will put them in with my two male parrots who l taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to worship." 
"Thank you!" the woman responded. So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house. The priest's two parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. 
The lady puts her female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say, "Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?" 
One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the bibles away. Our prayers have been answered!" 


Conversion

Two old Jewish men are strolling down the street one day when they happen to walk by a Catholic church. They see a big sign posted that says, "Covert to Catholicism and get $10." 
One of the Jewish men stops walking and stares at the sign. His friend turns to him and says, "Murray, what's going on?" 
"Abe," replies Murray, "I'm thinking of doing it." 
Abe says, "What are you, crazy?" 
Murray thinks for a minute and says, "Abe, I'm going to do it." 
With that, Murray strides purposefully into the church and comes out twenty minutes later with his head bowed. "So," asks Abe, "did you get your ten dollars?" 
Murray looks up at him and says, "Is that all you people think of?" 


Cry For Help

A man was walking in the mountains just enjoying the scenery when he stepped too close to the edge of the mountain and started to fall. In desperation he reached out and grabbed a limb of a gnarly old tree hanging onto the side of the cliff. 
Full of fear he assessed his situation. He was about 100 feet down a shear cliff and about 900 feet from the floor of the canyon below. If he should slip again he'd plummet to his death. Full of fear, he cries out, "Help me!" But there was no answer. Again and again he cried out but to no avail. Finally he yelled, "Is anybody up there? " 
A deep voice replied, "Yes, I'm up here." 
"Who is it?" 
"It's the Lord" 
"Can you help me?" 
"Yes, I can help." 
"Help me!" 
"Let go." 
Looking around the man became full of panic. "What?!?!" 
"Let go. I will catch you." 
"Uh... Is there anybody else up there?" 


First Words

A nun dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter says to her, "I'm sure you've lead a virtuous life, Sister, but before I can let you into heaven, you must answer one question. ".What," asks St. Peter,"were Eve's first words when she saw Adam?" 
"Boy," says the nun, "that's a hard one." 
"That's right!" says St. Peter, and the pearly gates open wide 


OH GOD, YESSSSSSSSSSS! 

In the beginning, the plan for a divine human design was painstakingly implemented. 
"The nerve endings," said St. Peter, "how many will I put in her hands?" 
"How many did we put in Adam?" asked The Lord. 
"Two hundred, O Mighty One." 
"Then we shall do the same for the woman." 
"How many nerve endings should we put in woman's genitals, O Mightiest?" 
"How many did we put in Adam?" 
"Four hundred twenty, O Mighty One." 
"Oh yeah, now I remember, we wanted Adam to have a little fun procreating, didn't we? Do the same for woman." 
"Yes, O Great Lord." 
"Wait! Hold it, Pete, Give her ten thousand, it'd be a hoot to hear her scream out My name..." 


Confession

The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions. 
The old priest suggests, "Cross you arms over your chest and rub your chin with one hand." The new priest tries this.
The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, 'I see,' 'yes,' 'go on,' 'I understand,' and 'how did you feel about that?'"
The new priest says those things, trying them
out.
The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying 'No shit! What happened next?'"


Church Joke

A man and wife attended church one evening, and the wife decided that it was time to stop her husband from sleeping in Church. So, she took her hat pin and decided she would poke him every time he fell asleep.
Right about the first time he falls asleep, the preacher asks, "And who created the Universe?" The wife poked her husband and he awakes and yells, "My God!"
The second time he falls asleep, the preacher asks, "And who died on the cross for you?" She pokes her husband and he screams, "Jesus Christ!"
The third time, the Preacher asks, "And what did Eve say to Adam the second time she was pregnant?"
The wife pokes her husband and he jumps up and yells, "By God, if you poke me with that thing one more time, I am going to break it OFF!"


Pope

The pope goes to visit the Seven Dwarfs who are drinking in a bar. As he is finishing his speech on comparative religions, Dopey raises his hand to ask a question. "Mr. Pope, are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?". "No Dopey," responds the Pope, "there are not". "Mr. Pope, are there any dwarf nuns anywhere in Italy?", Dopey questions. "No Dopey," chuckles the Pope, "there are no dwarf nuns in Italy." "Mr. Pope," Dopey asks pleadingly, "are there any dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?" "No Dopey," the Pope says sadly, "there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world." And softly in the background the six remaining dwarves start chanting........................ "Dopey screwed a penguin, Dopey screwed a penguin, Dopey screwed a penguin." 


2 Nuns

Two nuns, Sister Marilyn and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europein their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.
"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Marilyn. "What shall we do?"
"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen.
Sister Marilyn switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.
"What shall I do now?" she shouts.
"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican," says Sister Helen.
Sister Marilyn turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.
"Now what?" shouts Sister Marilyn.
"Show him your cross," says Sister Helen.
"Now you're talking," says Sister Marilyn. She opens the window and shouts, "Get the FUCK off our car!" 


Adam

One day God came to Adam to pass on some news. 
"i've got some good news and some bad news," God said. 
Adam looked at god and said, "well, give me the good news first." 
Smiling, God explained, "i've got two new organs for you. one is called a brain. it will allow you to be very intelligent, create new things, and have intelligent conversations with Eve. The other organ i have for you is called a penis. it will allow you to reproduce your now intelligent life form and populate this planet. Eve will be very happy that you now have this organ to give her children." 
Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great gifts you have given to me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?" 
God looked upon Adam and said with great sorrow, "i only gave you enough blood to operate one of these organs at a time." 


Americans Eating Dogs

Two foreign nuns have just arrived in the USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs."
"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."
Nodding emphatically, the Mother Superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart.
"Two dogs, please," says one.
The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs'.
The Mother Superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and then, staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?" 


Nuns On The Run

Two nuns went out of their convent to sell a bit of religion. One of them is known as Sister Mathematical (SM) and the other one is known as Sister Logical (SL). It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SL: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty eight and a half minutes?
SM: Yes, I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most. What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go the this way. He cannot follows us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical. Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried what has happened to Sister Logical. Then Sister Logical arrives.
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me.
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And?
SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up. SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down........


Robbery In A Church

A crook thought maybe he could rob a church. The crook takes the money but notices a priest. The crook wants to kill the only witness, so he pulls out his gun, and fires. The crook missed and said "Damn, I missed." the priest tells the crook "If you swear in the house of God again, you will be struck by lightening." The crook shoots, misses, and again say "Damn, I missed." Suddenly, the heavens open up and a bolt of lightening thunders down and hits the priest.
Then a towery voice says "Damn, I missed."


Ford vs God

Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the gates, an angel tells Ford "Well, you've been such a good guy and your invention, the assembly line for the automobiles, changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you want to in Heaven."
Ford thinks about it and says,"I wanna hang out with God, Himself."
The befeathered fellow at the Gates takes Ford to the Throne Room and introduces him to God. Ford then asks God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of Woman?"
God says, "Ah, yes."
"Well," says Ford "You have some major design flaws in your invention:
1. there's too much front end protrusion
2. it chatters at high speeds
3. the rear end wobbles too much, and
4. the intake is placed too close to the exhaust."
"Hmmm..." replies God, "hold on."
God goes to the Celestial Supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the result. The computer prints out a slip of paper and God reads it.
"It may be that my invention is flawed," God replies to Henry Ford, "but according to My Computer, more men are riding my invention than yours."


Jesus Is In The Bathroom

A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"
Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven."
Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."
Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!!!"
The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Johnny how he knew this.
And Johnny said, "Well...every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'!"


Hippie and the Nun

A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him. The nun surprised by the question politely declines and gets off the bus at the next stop.
When the bus starts on it's way the driver says to the hippie, "I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you". The hippie says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery and pray's to God. If you went dressed in a robe and glow in the dark paint mask she would think you are god and you could command her to have sex with you.
The hippie decides this is a great idea, so on Tuesday he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun to show up. At midnight sure enough the nun showed up, while she was in the middle of praying the hippie jumped out from hiding and says. "I AM GOD" I have heard your prayers and I will answer them BUT ... first you must have sex with me. The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity because she is married to the church. The hippie agrees to this and has his way with the nun. 
After the hippie finishes he stands up and rips off the mask and shouts "Ha, Ha Ha I'm the hippie!!"
Then the nun jumps up and shouts "Ha Ha Ha I'm the bus driver!!"


Heaven's Cars

Three friends are in a car driving to the ballgame when a big truck runs them over, killing them instantly. 
They find themselves at the Pearly Gates being interviewed by St. Peter. "OK, you," he says, pointing to Vito, "How many times did you cheat on your wife? And don't lie, I'm St. Peter you know. " 
Vito hangs his head and replies, "Honestly Pete, I was with two maybe three different broads a week." St. Peter says, "OK, your car in heaven is that used Lada over there, goodbye." 
He looks at Eddie and asks, "How many times did you cheat on your wife?" 
Eddie replies, "I must admit that in 15 years of marriage I did cheat on my wife 3 times." 
St. Peter says, "OK, your car in heaven is that Ford Fiesta, goodbye." 
He then looks at Jacob and asks, "And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?" 
Jacob lifts his head high and replies, "I am proud to say that over 20 years 
of marriage, I never cheated on my wife! In fact, my beloved has been dead for 2 years now and I remained celibate the whole time!" 
St. Peter replies, "Very impressive. Your car in heaven is that Ferrari convertible. Goodbye!" 
A couple of hours later, Vito and Eddie are waiting for Jacob at the park where all three had planned to meet. Jacob arrives a couple of minutes late in his Ferrari, and his friends notice that he is sobbing like a baby. 
Vito asks, "Hey! Whatsamatterwidyou? We should be crying! We're stuck with these ugly buckets and you got a new Ferrari!" 
Jacob, between sobs replies, "I just saw my wife on a skateboard!"


Heaven or Hell?

This woman dies and goes to heaven. While waiting in line, she hears this terrible screaming and moaning. This disturbs her somewhat, so she tracks down St. Peter to find out what is going on. "Oh, that," he says, "that's just the woman in front of you. They are drilling holes in her back to attach her wings." The woman is still a bit upset by this and is pondering her position when the screaming starts again. This time it is louder and more blood curdling than before. She calls St. Peter over again to find out what is happening to the woman now. "Oh, that," he says, "they're just drilling holes in her head to attach the halo." 
The woman decides that she wants out and tells St. Peter that she has changed her mind and wants to be sent to hell. "Are you sure you want to go there?" he says. "It's a terrible place, you'll end up getting sodomized and raped and even worse!" 
"That's okay" says the woman, "I already have the holes for that!"


Paradise

There were two lovers, who were really into spiritualism and reincarnation. They vowed that if either died, the one remaining would try to contact the partner in the other world exactly 30 days after their death. 
Unfortunately, a few weeks later, the young man died in a car wreck. True to her word, his sweetheart tried to contact him in the spirit world exactly 30 days later. 
At the seance, she called out, "John, John, this is Martha. Do you hear me?" A ghostly voice answered her, "Yes Martha, this is John. I can hear you." Martha tearfully asked, "Oh John, what is it like where you are?" "It's great. There are azure skies, a soft breeze, sunshine most of the time, the grass is so green 
and the cows have such beautiful eyes." "What do you do all day?" asked Martha. 
"Well, Martha, we get up before sunrise, eat some good breakfast, and there's nothing but making love until noon. After lunch, we nap until two and then make love again until about five. After dinner, we go at it again until we fall asleep about 11 p.m." 
Martha was somewhat taken aback. "Is that what heaven really is like?" 
"Heaven? I'm not in heaven, Martha." "Well, then, where are you?" "I'm a bull in Montana."


Parrots

A lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired. "They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'" "That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots who I taught to pray and read the Bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying such terrible things, and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship." "Thank you!" the woman exclaimed.
The next day the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?" One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away, dude! Our prayers have finally been answered!"

Just In Case

The priest was preparing a man for his long day's journey into night. Whispering firmly, the priest said, "Denounce the devil! Let
him know how little you think of his evil!"
The dying man said nothing.
The priest repeated his order.
Still the dying man said nothing.
The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?"
The dying man said, "Until I know where I'm headed, I don't think I ought to irritate anybody."


Code

There was this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he
said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"
Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen".
This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until he died at a ripe old age.
About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the Mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. The priest said, "You
have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having
fallen."
The Mayor started to laugh, realizing that no-one had told the new priest about the code word. Before the mayor could explain, the
priest shook an accusing finger at him and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about. Your own wife told me she fell three
times this week."


Death and Taxes

Ray dies and finds himself before the pearly gates of Heaven. St. Peter tells him that he cannot enter yet because he cheated on
his income taxes. The only way he might get into heaven would be to sleep with a dumb, ugly woman for the next five years and
enjoy it.
Ray decides that this is a small price to pay for an eternity in heaven. So, off he goes with this woman, pretending to be happy. As
he walks along, he sees his friend Marcus up ahead with an even uglier woman. When he asks what's going on, Marcus replies "I
cheated on my income taxes and scammed the government out of a lot of money." They both shake their heads in understanding
and figure that they might as well hang out together to help pass the time.
Now Marcus, Ray, and their two ugly women are walking along, minding their own business when they see someone who looks like
their old friend Russell up ahead. This man is with an absolutely gorgeous woman.
Stunned, Marcus and Ray approach the man and discover it is their friend Russell. They ask him how it is he's with this
unbelievable goddess, while they're stuck with these god-awful women.
Russell replies, "I have no idea, but I'm definitely not complaining. This has been absolutely the best time of my life, and I have five
years of the best sex any man could hope to look forward to. There is only one thing that I can't seem to understand. Every time we
finish having sex, she rolls over and murmurs to herself, 'Damn income taxes!'"


Wedding Vows

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer.
"Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I'm to promise to 'love, honor
and obey' and 'forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that part out." He passed the
minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.
It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged.
When it comes time for the groom's vows, the pastor looks the young man in the eye and says:
"Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of
your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both
shall live?"
The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes."
The groom leaned toward the pastor and hissed, "I thought we had a deal."
The pastor put the $100 bill into his hand and whispered back, "She made me a much better offer."


Final Words

An Episcopal Priest, a Catholic Priest, and a Rabbi die in a car crash. They go to heaven for orientation. They are all asked,
"When you are in your casket, and friends, family, and congregates are mourning over you, what would you like to hear them say?"
The Episcopal Priest says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family
man.
"The Catholic Priest says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful teacher and a servant of God who made a huge difference in
people's lives.
"The Rabbi replies, "I would like to hear them say, 'Look, he's moving!"



Crossword

One day, a shy gentleman was preparing to board a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight.
"This is exciting," thought the gentleman. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person."
Suddenly, the man realized his seat was right next to the Pope himself. Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to the Pope.
Shortly after take-off, the Pope took a crossword puzzle out off his bag and began working on it.
This is fantastic, thought the gentleman. I'm really good at crosswords. Perhaps if the Pope gets stuck, he'll ask me for assistance.
Almost immediately, the Pope turned to the man and said, "Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman
that ends in 'unt'?
The man was in shock. He could only think of one word that fit the description and he was not about to say it to the Pope. The
gentleman thought for a while longer, then it hit him.
Turning to the pope, the gentleman said, "I think you're looking for the word 'aunt'."
"Of course," said the Pope. "Do you have an eraser?"


Unheavenly Blessed

Three nuns were talking. The first nun said "I was cleaning the Fathers room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch
of pornographic magazines"
"What did you do?" the other nuns asked.
"Well, of course I threw them in the trash"
The second nun said, " Well, I can top that. I was in Fathers room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms"
"Oh my" gasped the other nuns. "What did you do?" they asked.
"I poked holes in all of them" she replied.
The third nun said, "Oh shit."


Married Priest And Nun

A priest and a nun were lost in a snowstorm. After a while, they came upon a small cabin. Being exhausted, they prepared to go to
sleep.
There was a stack of blankets and a sleeping bag on the floor but only one bed. Being a gentleman, the priest said, "Sister, you
sleep on the bed. I'll sleep on the floor in the sleeping bag."
Just as he got zipped up in the bag and was beginning to fall asleep, the nun said "Father, I'm cold." He unzipped the sleeping
bag, got up, got the blanket, and put it on her.
Once again, he got into the sleeping bag, zipped it up and started to drift off to sleep when the nun once again said, "Father, I'm
still very cold." He unzipped the bag, got up again, put another blanket on her and got into the sleeping bag once again.
Just as his eyes closed, she said, "Father, I'm sooooo cold." This time, he remained there and said, "Sister, I have an idea. We're
out here in the wilderness where no one will ever know what happened. Let's pretend we're married."
The nun said, "That's fine by me."
To which the priest yelled out, "Get up and get your own fucking blanket!"


Hell's Tortures

A guy goes to hell and is met by the devil, who explains that the punishments are changed every thousand years and he is to select
his first punishment. The first room has a young guy on the wall being whipped. The new guy not keen on this asks to see the next
room.
The next room has a middle aged guy being tortured with fire. The new guy immediately asks to see the third room. It has a really
old guy chained to the wall getting a blow job from a gorgeous blonde. The guy jumps at the chance and selects that room.
The devil walks into the room taps the blonde on the shoulder and says
"Okay, you can stop now you've been relieved".


The Cost Of Woman

One day, after a near eternity in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem."
"What's the problem, Adam?" God replies.
"Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded me with this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful
animals, but I'm just not happy."
"Why is that, Adam?" comes the reply from the heavens.
"Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely food and all of the beautiful animals, but I am lonely."
"Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a woman' for you."
"What's a 'woman,' Lord?"
"This 'woman' will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and beautiful creature I have ever created. She will be so intelligent that
she can figure out what you want before you want it. She will be so sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and
how to make you happy. Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth. She will unquestioningly care for your every need and
desire. She will be the perfect companion for you", replies the heavenly voice.
"Sounds great."
"She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam."
"How much will this 'woman' cost me Lord?" Adam replies.
"She'll cost you a leg, an arm, an eye, an ear, and a testicle."
Adam ponders this for some time, with a look of deep thought and concern on his face. Finally Adam asks God, "Uh, what can I get
for a rib?"


In The Desert

A priest and a nun are riding a camel through the desert. It's so hot the camel collapses and dies of heat and exhaustion. The
priest knows they will die soon also, so he asks the nun if there's anything she would like to do that she has never been done
before in her life.
She says, "I have never seen a man naked before."
The priest says, "My heavens sister, I can't believe you would say a something like that, but since it's your dying request I'll fulfill it."
He takes off his clothes and the sister is surprised and points between his legs and says," What is that?"
The priest says, "This is my staff of life. I can put it in your hole and create life!"
So the sister says, " Well stick it in the camel and let's get the hell out of here!"


Say Your Prayers

One night, a father overheard his son saying his prayers, "God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grammy. Goodbye Grandpa." The
father thought this was strange, but soon forgot about it. The next day, the Grandfather died. About a month or so later, the father
again overheard his son's prayers, "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Goodbye Grammy." The next day, the Grandmother died. The
father began to worry about the situation. Two weeks later, the father again heard his son praying, "God bless Mommy. Goodbye
Daddy."
This alone nearly gave the father a heart attack. The next morning, without saying anything, he got up early and went to work. He
stayed in his office all day. Finally, after midnight, he went home. He was still alive! He crawled into bed with his wife and
apologized. "I'm sorry honey, I had a really bad day."
"You had a bad day?" his wife yelled. "The mailman dropped dead on the porch this morning!"


Leftover Gifts

Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but he had two extra things left in his bag of creations, so he decided to
split them between Adam and Eve. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up while
urinating. "It's a very handy thing," God told the couple, who he found under an apple tree. "I was wondering if either one of you
wanted that ability.
Adam jumped up and blurted, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems a sort of thing a man should do. Oh
please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. It'd be so great! When I'm working in the garden or naming the animals, I
could just stand there and let it fly. It'd be so cool. I could write my name in the sand. Oh please God, let it be me who you give that
gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please......" On and on he went like an excited little boy who had to pee. Eve just smiled and told
God that if Adam really wanted that so badly, that he should have it. It seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy,
and she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given this ability. And so Adam was given the ability to control the direction of
his misdirection while in a vertical position. And so, he was happy and did celebrate by wetting down the bark on the tree nearest
him, laughing with delight all the while. And it was good.
Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of leftover gifts. What's left here? Oh yes, multiple orgasms....."


Beware of voices

An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying his
situation, he says quietly to himself, "I'm screwed." There is a ray of light from the sky and a voice booms out: "No you are NOT
screwed. Pick up that stone in front of you and bash the head of the chief." So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to
bash in the head of the chief. He is breathing heavily while standing above the lifeless body. Surrounding him are the 100 native
warriors with a look of shock on their faces.
The voice booms out again: "Okay.......NOW you're screwed!"


Ownership

A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and build things to be self-sufficient gets word that he is
to return home. He realizes that the one thing he never taught the natives was how to speak English, so he takes the chief for a
walk in the forest.
He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."
The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."
The missionary is pleased with the response. They walk a little farther and the missionary points to a rock and says, "This is a
rock."
Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."
The missionary is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As he peeks over the top, he
sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity. The missionary is really flustered and quickly responds, "Riding a
bike."
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blow gun and kills them. The missionary goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he
has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that
way?
The chief replied, "My bike."


God Answers Prayers

A man was walking along the beach in California one day, thinking to himself and doing his best to sort out his life and pray for
happiness. He stopped and looked up to the sky, looking for a sign of his faith, and said, "Oh Lord, if you are there... grant me one
wish."
Suddenly there was a crack of lightning in the sky and in a booming voice echoed from above, saying, "Man, you have done your
best to be faithful, though you have not always succeeded. I will grant your prayer and offer you one wish."
The man looked out over the ocean, thought it over for a moment, and said, "I wish for you to build a bridge all the way to Hawaii,
so I can drive over anytime I want to."
The voice boomed, "Think of this would entail! The millions of tons of concrete and steel, the depths of the Pacific to build on...
such a materialistic wish! I can certainly do it, as anything is in my power, but it would be better for your soul to put aside this desire
for worldly things. Pray for a moment and think of another wish, a wish that would honor and glorify me."
The man sat down on the sand and thought about it. Finally he gazed upward and said, "Oh Lord, I have been married and
divorced five times. I did not understand any of my wives, and every one said I was insensitive and ignorant..."
"Lord," he continued. "My wish is to understand women, to know how they feel, what they think, why they laugh and cry, and how I
can truly make them happy." The man looked up at the sky, awaiting his answer. There was a minute of absolute silence... then
another... and another.
Finally, the voice boomed, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"


Help

A priest was walking down his street one day when he noticed a very small boy trying to press the doorbell on a house. The boy
was very short and the doorbell was too high for him to reach.
After watching the boy's efforts for some time, the priest moved closer to the boy. He crossed the street, walked up behind the little
fellow, placed his hand kind-heartedly on the child's shoulder leaned over and gave the doorbell a solid ring.
Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiled benevolently and asked, "And now what, my little man?" To which the boy
replied, "Now we run!"


Who is God?

Little Johnny goes up to his mother and asks, "Is God male or female?"
After thinking for a moment, his mother responds, "Well, honey, God is both male and female."
This confuses Little Johnny, so he asks, "Is God black or white?"
"Well, God is both black and white."
This further confuses him so he asks, "Is God gay or straight?" At this the mother is getting concerned, but answers nonetheless,
"Honey, God is both gay and straight."
At this Little Johnny's face lights up with understanding and he triumphantly asks, "Mom, is God ... Michael Jackson?"


Love

A man was wandering around in a field, thinking about how good his wife had been to him, and how fortunate he was to have her.
He asked God, "Why did you make her so kind hearted?"
The Lord responded, "So you could love her, my son."
"Why did you make her so good looking?"
"So you could love her, my son."
"Why did you make her such a good cook?"
"So you could love her, my son."
The man thought about this. Then he said, "I don't mean to seem ungrateful or anything, but why did you make her so stupid?"
"So she could love you, my son."


The Cause Of Arthritis

A man, who smelled like a distillery, flopped down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was
plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and
began reading.
After a few minutes the dishevelled man turned to the priest and said, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"
"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap wicked women, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man."
"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong.
How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading that the Pope does."